Every couple fights. That is real and normal. The question for me is this: Does every couple realize you can discover a deeper connection in conflict. When conflict is handled well, with care and maturity, the couple is carving a path to deeper connection, greater trust and truer love. If you plan to couple up for the long haul, you must discover ways to connect in the midst of conflict.

Consider the following framework for a fruitful fight: The acts of the flesh are obvious... hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Galatians 9-23).

When it comes to conflict, Paul’s writing gives us significant insight into the fight we face. The real fight I face during conflict is inside me. Will I act out of the flesh or will I keep in step with the Spirit? The Spirit invites me to respond with love, peace, patience, and all the other fruits of the spirit.

Knowing we’ll face conflict, we all should embrace personal formation that facilitates fruitful fights. Here’s my advice for you:

Choose Love & Joy

Focus on the value of the person and choose gratitude as your primary attitude. Anchor to timeless truth that will outlast a momentary disagreement. Remember that Conflict is not about competition, it’s about connection. Make strengthening the connection your goal in every fight. One tip is to develop a habit of encouraging your spouse outside of conflicts so that during conflict you continue to be an encourager.

Embrace Peace & Patience

Be a person of peace and express your patient availability to work through things. Humility must be fostered in our heart when we are not fighting, so it overflows when we do fight.

• Ask questions and prioritize listening.
• Resolve to keep the conversation going for as long as it takes to reassure the other person that you care about their thoughts, feelings and perspective. Don’t be in a hurry.

Extend Kindness, Goodness & Gentleness

Even in conflict, treat others with the character of Christ. Be generous with kind words and pursue a tender heart when things get heated.

• Remind one another that you care.
• Choose to see and affirm the good in each other.
• Serve the other person by sacrificing your defenses and choose to stay open and available.

Cultivate Faithfulness & Self-Control

Become a person who uses conflict to deepen connections, not destroy connections. Take responsibility for your character and how you express who you are during conflict.

• Focus on your formation daily in light of Jesus and empowered by the Holy Spirit.
• Prioritize emotional maturity in your life: be mentored, seek a spiritual director, pursue counseling.

If I avoid conflict, I ultimately avoid connection. As we engage in this type of fruitful fight, we are becoming the types of people who create safe and secure connections. In this, your life offers others the opportunity to experience the kingdom of God. Your character will provide the opportunity for healing and reconciliation because those around you will know safety and security are available. A faithful and humble heart will lead the way into fruitful fights that truly make a difference.

If I avoid conflict, I ultimately avoid connection.

Photo by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash